24 hours, plus

scenes from one morning to the next~
being very aware lately, more so than usual, of the beauty to be found in ordinary things

calming, meditative moments in the grinding and steeping
a comfortable satisfaction in homemade strawberry jam on buttery toast
the joy in hearing all about a new work of art
the hazy liquid dance of light on old plaster walls
the remarkable beauty of these flowers,
and hearing loud and clear as they tell stories of
Spring's imminent (and long awaited) arrival
the many sensations in enjoying a glass of wine out of the remaining
glass from a set of four gifted to me by my grandmother years ago

and again, that light
morning light now, instead of evening
casting a warm and promising glow to start the day


today was an emotional one
a call to the nurses' station in the ICU to check in on mom
ventilator, feeding tube, etc, etc...
lightly restrained to keep from pulling at tubes in her sleep
waiting for answers
anxiety levels high, requesting some sedation

the pictures in my head, after the call
reflected my own fears more than anything else
visions of things amped up beyond what they actually were, no doubt
regardless, one thing was perfectly clear

I needed to see my mama
and she needed to see me

the fire department had a shortage
no one to cover shifts
trucks out of service
papa couldn't come home so
a dear friend stepped in
'bring her here, of course bring her here!'
and I did

nearly eight hours later I returned
decompressed a bit with dear friend
(who by the way handed me snacks for the drive
when I dropped Claire off.  complete with little post-it love notes.
really. this is someone you want on your side and I'm so lucky and
grateful to have her.)

visit with mom was a mixed bag
one I'm not sure I can put into words here at the moment

except to say that
our hearts got all tangled up together while I was there
I could feel it

the tubes, the machines.....
I could see their value, accept them
be okay with them
(and, despite how scary a lot of this sounds, by the time I left things were looking up a bit,
possibly in reaction to a new course of steroids that are hopefully targeting her specific condition,likely a hypersensitivity and/or eosinophilic pneumonia, more specifically)

it was seeing her frightened that got me
reading her sometimes illegible writing on the clipboard
her only way to communicate at most times
pleas for anti-anxiety medications,
saying she was afraid....
my heart broke a little then

yet somehow, in all of those words, the thing that stood out the most
the thing that hit me in the chest so hard that I felt almost as if
my own breath had left me for an instant...
were the words

plain as day
whether someone was asking her what her
granddaughter's name was or maybe she was
asking about Claire, or answering another question...
I don't know

but something about seeing her name in my mama's
foggy medicated handwriting
when no other names were written

I can't put a name to it
but it was like the two people who have my heart the most had
come together
on a sad old clipboard
on my mother's lap
in the ICU

and something about that
rocked my world in a big, strange way

*weekending with amanda


  1. I have been thinking a lot about you today Amanda, you and your Mama. I'm glad you have such a dear friend close by to help you. I'm so sorry and wish there is something I could do to help. I am praying!

    1. thank you, Tracey~ like I said before, I do really appreciate all of your kind and comforting, encouraging words through all of this...

  2. This post struck me so deeply. I went through something incredibly similar with my mom almost 2 years ago. Reading your words brought me right back there. I said a prayer for your mom, you, and your whole family, and will continue to do so.

    1. thank you, Amanda~ I appreciate the well wishes and encouragement!

  3. I'm so sorry about your mom, and that you both have to deal with something so scary. I'm hoping that she heals quickly and gets relief from all of that anxiety! I would hope the nursing staff would be able to help with this?! Hang in there.

    1. oh I hope so, too! they can give her anti-anxiety meds, yes- but they are already working to keep her (typically low) blood pressure up in order to make sure all of her organs are well oxygenated, so don't want to counteract that progress with too many things that depress her system. thank you for your encouraging words~

  4. I am so sorry your mom has to go through this, it sounds very scary to me. Wishing her the very best and you lots of strength!

    1. yes, I think it must be so scary to be time and again realizing upon waking that you are still somewhat restrained with tubes coming out of your throat, unable to really speak or communicate effectively.... I am very much looking forward to going out to see her in the morning, staying for a few days and being her companion and advocate.

      thank you, Anke~

  5. I am so sorry your dear mother is going through this and that you are tangled within it all. Having some similar experiences when my mother was still with us I truly understand the pain you are both experiencing. You write so eloquently about the experience. Hugs

    1. thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it very much. I am sorry that you went through difficult times with your own mother, and that you lost her. I appreciate your kindness, and your reaching out over the weird space of the internet to share your own story a little.

  6. Oh Amanda.... I'm so sorry. I am glad that you had that wonderful friend to keep claire And that you were able to be with your mama.... I am sure it must have been comforting for her having you there. These terrible experiences certainly put life in a new perspective, don't they? I wish your family the best... I am so sorry that you are all going through this... I wish there was some way I could help.

    1. hey jenny~ it was comforting all around, I'm sure. I go back out tomorrow to stay for a few days and am very much looking forward to being by her side.

      it most certainly does put everything into a new perspective.

  7. Thinking about you Amanda and praying...

  8. Even though I'm not going through something like this, your words are so clear and aching - I felt I could feel your worry and love. Thinking of you.

    1. thank you, Lisa~ and I hope you are well. I keep peeking in at your space to see word of your new addition. hope you are all settling in well. no doubt spring's arrival will make time with a new wee one a bit easier.... I remember having Claire and feeling so cooped up with the cold, cold winter. it was like I was able to finally spread my wings and breathe once it warmed up a bit and I could just wrap her up and go for a nice long walk.

  9. Hang in there Amanda - God is with you, your mama and Claire : ) You and your sweet family are in my prayers.
    Blessings, Sandra in AZ : )

  10. Praying strength and healing for your mom. I pray for a solid response to the medication and strength to her lungs. Peace to all her thoughts and healing sleep. You are in my thoughts, dear Amanda. It will pass - I wish it was sooner. But daybreak is coming.

    I love those sparkly eyes and cheeks and wind swept hair of a girl. Made me smile. :)

    1. thank you, Sandra~ I truly do appreciate your kind and encouraging words and well wishes.

      the windswept hair was my favorite part of the picture ;)

  11. I continue to pray for you mom. I hope with the new dx there is a treatment and a cure and a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be praying for you as well my dear sweet friend. I am acquainted with fear and worry, and knitting is the only way to decrease it, with busy hands it soothes my fast mind.

    1. thank you, Karen~ we are waiting, hoping, praying. I'll be bringing some knitting and books along when I go out to see her for a few days. I leave in the morning, and am very eager to be at her side for a few days.

  12. Wonderful to see such a powerful bond between mother and daughter (and granddaughter) though of course it is painful as well. Hoping she is feeling better soon, my thoughts are with you. I love your photos, especially the one with the shadow of the jar and the reflection of light and water - very serene and full of depth. xo

    1. indeed, there is a very powerful bond there. recognizing it so vividly seeing those words on the clipboard is what brought me practically to my knees.

      thank you, Shana. I am constantly amazed by how soothing watching the light can be.

  13. awww, this is just beautiful, amanda. it made my heart soar and my eyes tear.

    1. thank you, Amanda. it was one of those things that just needed to be said and hashed out, no matter that it was late at night and the emotions were high...


thanks for taking the time to read and comment~