watching & listening

not much to say these last few days.
lots to do, though.
planting, weeding, staking, mulching, tending....
loving, hugging, squeezing, dancing, listening....
watching the rain, rain, rain.
hearing it swoosh swoosh as it fills the barrels.
listening to the birds,
and watching fledglings follow closely behind mamas
as they stab haphazardly at the ground,
trying to figure out how to catch their own meal.

becoming ever more aware of how listening to a toddler can clue you in to
what you say yourself on a regular basis...
I ask "where'd she get that?",
but of course I already know the answer.

she sighs in delight,
nearly vibrates with anticipation when waiting to be tickled or caught or scared,
squeals when she stretches,
"mmmm's" when she eats something yummy....
looks at her papa and I ever so seriously as she tells us "I love you show mush"
again and again.

and I smile (and sigh in delight) as I see myself in her in those moments.
and I can see, I think, in glimpses here and there,
a bit of who she is becoming as well.

yes and no

yes, please!

finally cashing in a massage gift certificate
ahhhhhhhhhhhh

decking delivered

much decking put in place within hours of delivery

(he is a hard, hard worker, that man)

time spent planting, mulching..... soothing to have my hands in the ground, as always

sweet dinnertime conversations between the little one and her papa

the way she grabs my face so she's sure I'm looking at her and says "I love you show mush"

(and the way I feel almost like I have to catch my breath afterwards, every time, because it just feels so good and because it fills my whole body with a giant whooshing smile)

dinner with friends

(cake after dinner)

no thanks~

feeling like we are rushing past each other a lot these days and not stopping to connect

(the grown ups of the house, that is)

it can be hard, marriage and all

wondering when it was that I buried myself under these piles... of laundry, dishes, papers
piles of everything, everywhere

realizing that more likely than not, the doors to the deck will have to remain as they are (as windows, that is) until next year....  there is only so much time and energy and resources to spread around, you know?



linking up with Monica at ink + chai for keeping it real

letters for her

In a box at the top of her closet there is a stack of letters.
A small stack, for now.
I write to her each year on Mother's Day and on her birthday.

I write to her about seemingly insignificant things and about clearly significant things,
I write to tell her what it means to me to be her mother and her guide,
about the way she amazes me and about the ways she challenges me...
I tell her how it makes me feel to sit back and watch her,
how it makes me feel to hear her sing and tell her silly little stories...
and about how I am learning as I go.

This isn't a baby book, this series of letters.
I have one of those, one that I love.
This is something different.
This is our story.
One of me learning to be a mother, with her as my guide.
I try to keep it honest and to write from the heart.
I aim not to sugar-coat and I avoid writing something if any part of me says "this is what you should write to your daughter".
Because this is not about 'shoulds'.
It's about what is.


My plan is to give her all of the letters sometime in the future.
I'm not really sure when.
Maybe when she's 16.  18?
I guess I'll know when it's the right time.
I hope they will be something for her to treasure,
something that will help her know me in a new way and will always remind her that
we are in this thing together.
Absolutely, unconditionally, together.

Five letters then, so far.

And hopefully many, many dozens to come~

fried eggs and macaroons

took a trip to a local bakery/coffee shop this morning to drop off some more cards
we usually get a big fat ginger molasses cookie to share, but apparently she had chocolate on the brain
after I said no to the chocolate cake (it was only 10am, and she is only 2....)
she quickly set her sight on a chocolate dipped macaroon
no way was I going to deny her that
I mean come on, that's one of my favorites, too

I shared it with her, along with an iced coffee (not shared with her)
mmmmm mmmm good

it's been rainy for several days
little breaks in the weather here and there
still, we're indoors a lot

last night, inspired by Mike, I topped a turkey burger with a fried egg
oh, yum
it made me wonder what else I should be topping with fried eggs
tonight, rice and beans mixed with sauteed zucchini and greens from the garden
served over sprouts
topped with a fried egg with melty garlic yogurt cheese on top
a healthy dollop of hot sauce
and a little ketchup, because it's so yummy

I think this may be the start of something......

easy, lazy, rainy

lazy Saturday morning with Claire started with
flowers on the front step,
a very sweet early morning surprise from my mama...
we went to the tailgate market
and sat around for a couple hours
listening to music,
chatting with friends...

I was reminded of why I do so love this town

we ate apricot croissants and rye cookies
bought goat milk soap and baby bok choy
after the market broke down I stood in the parking lot with a friend
and we watched (for over an hour) our girls play and laugh together...
they put on quite a show, those two
there is so much joy in standing back and soaking it in

in the afternoon I mulched the paths between our raised beds and
I'm loving the cohesiveness it brings to the garden

a little visiting with neighbors and while we were there the mama of the house
(that house, not this house) was gifted with a very handsome angora bunny
(seems papa is quite spot-on with the mother's day gifting)
back to our place for dinner and music
and strawberry jam making
but not with our berries, nope
we eat them up way too fast for that, the bowlful or so we gather daily
who am I kidding, there's not even usually time to get a bowl
loved hearing the pop-pop-pop of the lids as they sealed
opened one up just hours after making
(quality control and all)
had to make sure it went well with toasted, buttery sourdough

it did

mother's day brought wildflowers picked in the misty morning from my love
vetch, penstemon, lupine, some kinda little evergreeny something or other......
a bouquet so totally different from the other, and so, so perfect
toast and jam for breakfast (of course)
and then a drive to this wonderful nursery
herbs, flowers (hanging planter, purple flowers~ an easy decision) for my mama, and for home:
stoke's aster, lavender, basil, foamflower (can't get enough of the lovely tiarella), swamp milkweed, butterfly milkweed, black eyed susan, echinacea (white and pink), and a flat of creeping phlox for the mossy front yard that we hope to continue turning into not-grass more and more....

we met my mama out at her new place
a home recently purchased with her husband
six acres, that Mike explored as we girls hung out and painted a little
Claire got to put her handprints on the newly painted wall
(I was not asked to put mine on the wall, but I am okay with that)

he found some interesting stuff on those mostly wooded six acres:
two old boats,
an old metal chevrolet sign nailed to a tree,
an old tool embedded in a log,
a trough with some plants growing in it....
plants that were obviously being tended....
(ones that are of a variety that is not exactly, um, legal)
not my mother's

my recommendation was to leave a note on the trough for the plant-tender to find
something maybe a little.......
indiscernible, in terms of the level of approval by the note-writer
could be good for a laugh
certainly would shake things up a little bit for the mysterious 'gardener'

anyway, enough about that

I'm enjoying the greens and berries and eggs we are collecting in our yard daily
and there's so much more to come!  The bees are good, the raspberries are covered in flowers, and I've got mulching and planting to keep me busy for the next few days, and upcoming visits to look forward to~ good stuff.


a happy week to all~



*linking up with Amanda for weekending

foolish

So.

So there are these robins.  They have a nest on the back side of our garage/workshop, right on top of some of our gardening tools that we haven't used since before they built the nest last spring.....

Last year mama laid 4 eggs.

4 chicks.

This year, 3 eggs.  mama robin and I got close.  I puttered around doing gardening stuff, she figured out that I'm safe and stayed put on those pretty little blue eggs.  It was going swimmingly.  I sang to her, told her not to worry.  etc.

3 chicks.

Today I picked Claire up to take a peek, as we've been doing..... not too close.  just peekably-close.

well.

They're old enough now, it seems, to fly off that little inconveniently-placed nest.  And that's just what they did.  2 of them anyway.  Never saw #3.

It gets worse.

Wolfie (that's our dog, if you didn't know) ran over to "get" one.  ahem.  I'm not sure what he intended to do, but he dropped it immediately when he heard the tone of my voice.  the somewhat primal, I-mean-it-you-damn-well-better-do-exactly-as-I-say kind of tone.

little birdy had a bloody shoulder.

Now I know, I know all the talk of not touching baby birds, of leaving nature be, etc.  That's what I studied in college, more or less.  animals, nature, ecology, etc.

But it was a little late to not be messing with mama nature seeing as how it was me who startled those cuties right off their safe little nest in the first place, ya know? So I picked up the birdy, dabbed it's shoulder clean with a cloth, and put it back in the nest.  back out.  back in.

well, damn.

So I blocked off the area so the nosy pup couldn't get back there (which isn't to say it was at all cat proof, of course....), tried one last time to put the baby up out of harm's way, looked around for the others, and then let them be.

Claire could tell I was upset.  Not that it was hard to tell, really, but she just knows when anything is a little off.  She reads my tone, my eyes.... she knows.  She asked me if I was sad and then showered me with kisses, asking after each one if I was still sad.  I was, but there's no denying those 2 year old kisses were strong medicine.

I took myself away from the scene for a while, best for everyone.  Hours later, I noticed mama and papa robin in a new area.  Closer to the ground.  On a brush pile in the neighbor's yard.

I do so hope that they were able to coax those little babes out of harm's way into the safety of that brush pile, and that those little ones are nearly ready to truly fledge.  That the bloody little shoulder heals quickly.

I know that all sounds a bit naive, but it's what I'm going with for now.
Feeling meddlesome, sad, and foolish.
Thinking of all the time and energy those dedicated robins put into that nest, those eggs, those babes.....
Hoping, hoping, hoping that they are safe and sound.

And thinking that after all is said and done and it sits empty for good for the year, I'm moving that nest.

how to break in a new fire pit

Yep, about like that.

This glorious blaze lasted just under two minutes, start to finish.  Quite a show.