she is part warrior, part woodland fairy. a little bit joker, and a whole lot of serious. she is often quiet and reserved, but she can let loose and enter a place that is all giggles and wild dancing. she is discerning, compassionate, considerate, and kind. she appreciates both the sensible and the sparkly (which of course is not to say that they are necessarily mutually exclusive). she is stubborn. observant. she is both timid and brave. she is no stranger to happy tears. she is well acquainted with them, actually. sometimes she tastes colors and feels sounds, describes things in the most amazing ways. for example, once she took a bite of apple and told me it tasted 'high and bright' and reminded her very much of a specific pink marker of hers. another time she took a bite of hummus and said "mama, for just a minute this hummus kind of tasted like you. it felt like you. for a second I felt this warmness and it was like you".
she surprises me often.
she wants to be near me, near us. I watch her spread her wings. sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much. I am happy to hold her close for now. I stare at her face - sometimes I think I could watch her for hours- and wonder what lies ahead for her. sometimes we sit, she and I, on the couch and smile at each other and are amazed by how big the love is, by how much space it fills. it's so big it hurts- in that way that stretches us farther than we thought we could stretch and makes us more vulnerable than we ever knew possible. in that way that fills you to overflowing with all the feelings that are available to you, and opens your eyes to the goodness and the joy and the fear and the worry and the pain but mostly, mostly, the sustaining, redemptive goodness of the world.
of course, sometimes when we sit on the couch together we just laugh and make fart noises.
I hope all the usual hopes a mama will- safety, peace, a deep knowing of how loved and cherished she is. confidence and trust enough in the world to soar in whatever direction, toward whatever big and beautiful things she wants to reach for.
this girl. my sweet warrior princess.