perhaps not...

I wanted so badly for it to work out.  She seemed so sure of herself and so ready those first couple days.  Alas, it has gone downhill from there and tonight, after a long discussion (oh, we need to have ever so many more of those!) Mike and I decided to call it quits on school for Claire for the time being and hold off for a bit.

School for her wasn't on my radar at all when the head of school from our local Montessori school, where I worked for 5 years before Claire came along, called up to see about a work-trade possibility for this fall.  I thought.  I visited.  We chatted.  It seemed promising.  Just a couple mornings a week.  She'll LOVE it, I was sure.  She's so independent and so interested in exploring, and it will appeal to her sense of order and certainly she could use some time with her peers..... and, and, and........

Well.

After 2 good days and then an easy drop off again on the third, that third day ended roughly 1 hour into the morning.  Claire, inconsolable after 3 different kind souls tried to offer her a loving shoulder and comfort, wasn't having it.  Nope.  It was "mamaaaaa!" and only me.  We tried again the following week (last week) and had one very trying day and then a day that went great aside from one itsy bitsy little detail.  That I was in the room with her all day, and if I went out of sight, she melted.  As long as I was in there, she was happy to go about her own business and let me do my thing.  That has to count for something, right?  Surely it does, but that's not really the long term plan.  The trade doesn't involve me being in her room.  Today, (even though the plan was to try to go in again like I did last time, perhaps helping 'ease' her in, since the drop-off-and-leave route doesn't fly with her and she will howl until I come and not accept comfort from others) I tried to leave her after seeing she was doing well, but I made the mistake of not telling her and ended up back in the room again and even with me there, it was teary at times.  Not so pretty.

I have gone back and forth over this for the last 2 weeks.  I've been sure of this and then sure of that and then minutes later back to the drawing board.  I feel like such an amateur.

Really though, I suppose I am.

Here's the thing. (really, there are about twenty "things")  She was going two days a week.  Two days we'd work at, and then any progress made was largely dissolved over the following 5 days where we got back into our regular at-home routine.  Because what else were we going to do?  We kinda dig our home routine, you know?  And that's what it's all about.  I wanted it to work for her because I thought it could fill a gap in her world.  I saw her working confidently and at ease while I was in there the one day "we" made it through, and I wanted that for her.  I wanted her to spend time exploring in a space where she could relate to others her age or thereabouts, to play and become part of this wonderful little community.

But 2 days a week just doesn't give enough consistency for us to power through the challenging days and help her hold onto her baby steps from day to day.  And (and this is a big one).... she is just two and a half, and so I'm not even sure that it's developmentally appropriate for her, at this point, to be ready for school.  It certainly doesn't appear to be individually appropriate, anyway.  And so I shall follow my child back to the place where school wasn't on my radar, and we will go back to our home time that we are truly so very lucky to have, and we shall try again later.

I won't say I'm not disappointed.  I am disappointed.  Not in her, of course.  And not that she isn't ready for school at 2 1/2.  And not really in myself for not having prepared her in other ways, because I stand wholeheartedly by our attachment parenting choices and I feel that her attachment to me is healthy and appropriate and I am in no rush to break that and rush my fledgling towards independence.  That will come sooner than I'm ready for it anyway, I know.  So just in general then, I suppose.  Because I had in my mind what I hoped and thought it might be like, and because it did not turn out that way.


A lesson for me, then (geez, another?).  Maybe a big one, (or many) should I choose to dig into it.


If things were different, if the circumstances were that we needed her to be in school right now and I wasn't just doing a trade in order to give her this opportunity (and therefore, by necessity, just drove off and didn't have the option of coming into the class or hearing her screaming...) then maybe she'd have a few weeks of really hard days, get through it and learn a bit about how she can in fact power through the harder moments and gain a little independence from me.  And then she'd be alright.  Proud of herself.  Acclimated.

Maybe that's how it'd go down.  But who knows.  She is a persistent and very willful little girl.  She is smart.  She knows what she does and doesn't want.

Undoubtedly there is a huge societal pressure to have our children be ready to do this or that at increasingly early ages.  And I admit that (even as a parent who hadn't previously considered any sort of early schooling aside from what we do at home for her) I was happy and so proud of her when she rocked those first days.  Maybe it even made me feel like surely I'd 'done something right' as a parent.  See how confident and autonomous she can be at such a young age! (and such)  And so now I find a small part of my mind asking if I am doing her a disservice by not allowing her to go through the rough patch of teary school transition.  Guilty for denying her the opportunity to prove to herself and us that she can work through her fears and her tears and come out shining.  That I'm keeping her little wings from spreading a bit.

But then my heart shouts "Hold up!  she is two.  TWO!  there is plenty of time for all of that, embrace the time you have together now and stop stressing over this ridiculousness!"
And thank goodness for the wise heart.

But given the length of this post, clearly I feel the need to defend my decision.  But to who?  To the pretend people that I fear are out there judging me for delaying my young child's ability to cope without me and become independent?

Well, pretend people out there, I say to you....... I say...
I say Wait, why am I even wasting energy addressing you?
There is life to be lived and enjoyed and we may all do well to throw aside our worries
over the pretend voices of some pretend negative people.

And maybe we could do a little looking and searching and asking within, since
that's often where those voices are coming from anyway.

I am happily choosing to follow my heart in this one, not my fears.