3.11.2015

one good thing







I read this article on panhandling the other day and found myself quite moved by it.  I am no stranger to bringing boxes of food and clothing to the food pantry/shelter here in town, and make sure that Claire is involved with each step when I do so.  But panhandling has always been trickier for me.  It's one thing to drop off boxes and nod hello to the friendly older volunteers at the pantry who invite Claire over to sign her name on the board and see where everything goes.  It doesn't prompt nearly as much self-reflection and forced sudden (perhaps disconcerting and uncomfortable) awareness of your own privilege as staring poverty directly in the eye when someone on the street, or at a highway exit, reaches out and asks you for spare change or a meal.  What do we do about that?  (aside from hoping your car isn't the one stopped directly next to the person at the traffic light) How do I handle that?  Just thinking about it makes my heart feel heavy and a pesky little notion of guilt starts tapping at my conscience.  And I wonder….. why is it even an issue, this not knowing what to do?

I'm going to be completely honest here.  Aside from the handful of times I've given boxed-up leftovers after a meal out to someone in the street or offered a bit of money, more often than not, I have simply looked the other way and continued on with what I was doing.  I know I've tried hard to make it appear that I perhaps didn't even see the person in need, no doubt to make it easier for myself to deal with the fact that I just outright ignored that person.  How very used to being 'pretend-ignored' they must be.  How uncomfortable I feel afterwards, like I just put on a false costume and an awkward show that felt wrong all the way down to my toes.  Nearly every time I've done so I have spent quite a while mulling it over afterwards.  What should I have done?  What could I have done?  Was it the right thing, this ignoring of the actual human in the street but then bringing boxes anonymously to the shelter?  Surely it couldn't be, or I wouldn't have felt so badly afterwards (versus when I actually did give and afterwards felt so, so incredibly happy to have shared a bit of my own relative abundance with someone who really needed it).  Sometimes my excuse is the worry of 'what if I gave the person money and they just used it for cigarettes or liquor?'  Why that is such a common worry and such a common reason given for not giving, I don't really know.  After all, if my life was such that I often found myself begging from strangers to make ends meet, it's likely I wouldn't always spend that money on organic kale and chia seeds, you know?  The article touches on that a bit- on the point that maybe, if we are moved to give in the first place, maybe we should be able to let go of worrying about how what we give is spent (in this kind of case, anyway).  Maybe part of our philanthropy can and should include releasing the need to control what other people are doing and thinking.  Especially when we'd be hard-pressed to put ourselves in their shoes.   Who knows.

Part of the author's spiel was to say hey, if you aren't exactly sure what to do, but you know you want to do something, and you aren't sure how you feel about just giving money, then why not put together some bags and keep them in your car (or backpack, if you're out and about in the city) for these occasions?

And so, that is exactly what Claire and I did yesterday.  We went shopping together and discussed what kinds of things might be most helpful and useful in such a bag.  We discussed the merits of flashlights and lip balm and packaged snacks.  Then we brought the booty home and spread it out on the table on the back deck and proceeded to divide items to evenly fill three bags (she even got some math in there along with the philanthropy and service).  In each bag, we put:

-alcohol based hand sanitizer

(see what I just did?  I specified alcohol based because I didn't want you to think I bought the stuff with antibacterial whatnot in it because, you know, I'm concerned about the overuse of such things.  but that doesn't matter one bit in the context of this post, does it?  not really.  it's like the whole kale and chia seeds thing.  you get what I'm saying, right?  making these purchases actually gave Claire and I a bit to talk about because she recognized that these are not all things we'd buy for ourselves.  I basically told her (when asked why I wasn't buying more of those pb crackers for her) that sometimes, you do what you can and the characteristics that make one thing better or worse than another, when you are considering them in light of such bigger issues like poverty and homelessness, well….. a lot of it is relative and somehow unimportant in comparison.  Yes, the crackers have oil in them that is probably from GMO soybeans, but that just wasn't really the battle we were focused on at the moment, and I'm starting to see that sometimes we have to separate out such battles when we are forging ahead in murky waters trying to fight the good fight.  Sometimes, we can't carry the whole of the world on our shoulders when we are simply wanting to do one good thing.   It's the whole 'don't let perfect be the enemy of good' thing….. whew.)

-hand cream
-lip balm
-tissues
-a travel size toothbrush/paste set
-a flashlight with batteries
-a pair of cotton socks
-a small package of cotton swabs
-bandages
-mints
-a couple bags of cheddar crackers
-a couple packages of peanut butter crackers
-a couple granola bars
-a couple cereal bars
-a couple boxes of dried cranberries

And I believe that's it. (with the exception of little happy drawings that she insists she needs to put in each one, which I think is pretty stinking sweet)

The plan is to keep the bags in the car and have them at the ready the next time we see someone panhandling.  She has already informed me that, while she wouldn't mind giving the bags to someone herself, she'd rather I do the talking.  I get it.  It's uncomfortable on some levels for all of us, perhaps.  Or maybe it's just the fact that she is often a bit shy around people she doesn't know.  Either way, I'm hoping that by doing this kind of stuff,  any awkwardness in these exchanges and experiences will be nonexistent for her, and that recognizing a fellow human without feeling any call to 'pretend-ignore' them will be second nature.  And hopefully it will be the same for me, as well.



26 comments:

  1. What a great idea. When i was living in Europe I saw gypsies and homeless people all the time. So I completely understand the part about pretending not to see them. I live in the desert now and rarely go out into the city so I never see many panhandlers except the hustler who pretends to be poor then gets off his shift and drives away.

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    1. we don't see much of it right here in town- just someone off the highway exit a few times a year maybe. still, the article got me thinking and I decided I wanted to have a little something to give at the ready when we are faced with another's needs.

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  2. What a thought provoking post. Such a lovely thing to do and teaching your daughter a beautiful lesson.

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    1. I was definitely inspired by that short article- and clearly it made me think. a lot.

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  3. Wonderful idea! I can get on board with this completely. It is amazing how seeing someone standing on the street corner asking for money affects little ones, mine in particular feels very sad when we see the homeless. What a great way to move from helpless sadness to action. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. moving from helpless sadness to action is EXACTLY what I am aiming for- yes!

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  4. A great idea. My kids helped put together similar bags at church, but were not involved with handing them out. Would be nice to have some in our car.

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    1. so far we haven't had the opportunity to give them to anyone… thinking about maybe even leaving them somewhere with a note that says "if you really need this, please take it" or something along those lines.

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  5. Interesting idea. We do not have panhandlers in our town (and actually only two homeless people that are well known). I know that they have a lot of them in Asheville and also Portland, ME where we vacation. Portland actually just passed a law making asking for money from the medians illegal. A lot of people did not like that, stating that it is not solving the problem. But it was passed because of the behavior of the panhandlers (being drunk, falling into traffic, getting aggressive) and not the actual asking for money part of it. I think you're doing a great job as a parent by talking to your child about it since it is so visible in your community. (And not just talking, but doing something.)

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    1. right here in our little town we really only see someone at the highway exit maybe a couple times a year. In Asheville it's a bit more prevalent and I'm actually not sure what the legislation regarding panhandling in Asheville is. after reading that article it got me thinking and I knew I wanted to be ready to give should I see the need.

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  6. This is such a good idea (and so nice to hear the inside of someone else's head that goes around and around some of the same loop-de-loops my own head travels). We've just recently had the street-corner panhandlers pop up around here (they were temporarily forbidden...which would make those of us in cars with warm beds to go home to feel so much more comfortable...and then that was found unconstitutional). I've taken to handing a dollar out the window, if I have one, and if I'm stopped in the right place. I don't know whether it does anyone any good or not. A dollar is so cheap (especially since I usually see them on my way to the chi-chi natural foods mega grocery store where I'll easily drop $150). I like the bag of stuff idea--things they can eat right away; other things they might need, too; involving your child. Thanks for the inspiration.

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    1. oh those loop-de-loops!
      so glad to have provided any inspiration- I certainly was inspired myself from seeing that article pop up on Facebook. (hey- Facebook CAN actually serve a purpose! well, maybe.)

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  7. We have a similar issue here in Anchorage, Ak with a lot of homeless Natives that panhandle. I know a lot of people resist giving them money because of the fear of it just going to alcohol. It actually became illegal to pan handle here recently but it hasn't stopped the problem too much. I always carry a costco sized box of protein bars in my car that I hand out whenever I see a panhandler. I like your idea of person care items, I might try that soon. I really identify with your feeling of how innately wrong it feels to "pretend ignore" someone. I am trying to raise my children with empathy and awareness of what they have, and of those less fortunate. We must lead by example.

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    1. absolutely we have to lead by example. and my gosh it can be hard to do sometimes, can't it? what a good idea having the box of bars in the car for such an occasion.

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  8. this is all very touching, Amanda. I, too have given food instead of money, I like the idea of providing nourishment and warmth. I appreciate your honesty here, you've beautifully touched on many sensitive points, and I especially connect with your sanitizer rant, " Sometimes, we can't carry the whole of the world on our shoulders when we are simply wanting to do one good thing." I'm glad you added that bit.

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    1. I'm realizing lately that if I'm uncomfortable about something then that is the most important time to just be full-on honest about it, you know? to make myself feel accountable, to encourage action, to promote self-awareness……… all such tricky but important stuff.

      and with the sanitizer bit, I could have just gone on and on, adding little captions about each and every thing we put in the bags- it was when I realized I was wanting to do that that I called myself out on it and got to thinking.

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  9. In our little town I do not see panhandlers but when I visit my son in Boston oh my there are so very many. I agree that giving items that they can use is so much better than giving money. Your daughter is learning so much from you :)

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    1. thank you, Karen~ I hope so. And, to be honest, seeing as how I want to lead by example and have ideas of what values I want her to gain from my examples…. well, that in itself inspires me to provide better and more meaningful examples! what a win-win!

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  10. What a wonderfully thoughtful thing to do - I imagine those on the receiving end are very, very grateful.

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    1. I hope the bags find their way to some folks who can really use them, for sure!

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  11. Wow. What a lucky little girl Claire is to have you for a mom. I have felt the same problems with panhandlers in Chicago. This would go so far in helping the truly hungry.

    Years ago when I lived In Louisville, KY I gave a "street person" money. A friend tsk tsked me because there was a soup kitchen less than a mile away and I was encouraging people to panhandle.

    The argument continued. She was sure the person would buy alcohol ... I said it didn't matter. I would rather risk giving someone money for booze than risk not giving someone money for food.

    Back at the office the discussion continued. A fellow co-worker took my hand with a tear in her eye and said God bless you Kim. I hope to God that there are many people like you on earth. She then told the story of how her dad suffered from alcoholism for many years. Her mother stuck by him but finally had enough and kicked him out. She recalled the first time she saw him filthy, in the gutter, begging for change ... with tears in her eyes she spoke of the heartbreak.

    People on the streets are someone's family. They matter. They have to.

    This is, however, the perfect "gift." You are a fantastic person. It is always a pleasure reading your blog. I hope you continue for a very long time.

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    1. thank you for your very generous and encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

      exactly- they are someone's family, they are people. they are important. and, like you said- they MATTER. if we are moved to care about those less fortunate I feel like we have to work to shed our judgements and need to control what they choose to do with the help we give.

      what a story your coworker shared with you- I bet that had a big impact on you and your feelings around sharing what you have with others.

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  12. amanda... this is beautiful. i know just those feelings you speak of. i have driven past so many times and felt "bad"... you are so right... we wouldn't feel that way if we were doing the right thing. you have inspired me. i want to make a change too. you are amazing friend :)

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    1. aw thanks jenny~

      it would seem reflecting on the things that make us feel that way can lead to some pretty strong thoughts and actions- this is just a small part of my work to become more open, less judgmental, feel less need to control things……… ah, self-reflection. how fun ;)

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  13. I just love your idea on so many levels. I don't have anything against giving money, but so often I don't have any of the stuff with me. Also, this is so practical, thoughtful and sweet. It totally lets the kids be involved, which is a beautiful beautiful thing.
    Thank you!!!!

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thanks for taking the time to read and comment~