small

there is immense comfort in the small
in the taking of things one-at-a-time and
piece-by-piece

in the slowness of ritual

the simple act of noticing individual sounds
when so much else seems like an
endlessly reverberating clatter of
cutlery on a tile floor
has alone brought me so much peace

the joy of the first dandelion,
the way it's soft golden petals are so striking
against the deeper purples of her clothes
of her just-can't-take-it-off dress

and I get that, too
the lure of the comfortable things
the want to not let them too far out of reach
if that dress makes some part of you feel whole and happy, baby girl
well then you keep on wearing it
every. single. day.

just like your mama keeps on
drinking her tea and
breathing deep and
listening to the voicemail from her own mama and
staring at that same picture of her own mama and
remembering to notice
that birdsong
that blue sky
those daffodils
and on and on and on




*went to see mom this weekend~ still not very much change, still working on finding the right balance of meds so that she is pain free (still has chest tube in place following biopsy, should be removed in next day or so) but not sedated. MRI today to confirm her general unresponsiveness is pharmacological and not physiological, results to come. quite sure it is just from the cumulative stacking effect of all of the benzodiazepine sedatives she received for a couple days in a row following biopsy, which were needed to keep her calm so that her stats remained stable. she is now able to maintain a steady blood pressure on her own, so that opens up the door for new meds that her body couldn't handle before. biopsy largely inconclusive, and they aren't sure what the underlaying cause was that lead to initial pneumonia (speculate possible bad case of H1N1 type flu), but she is now basically working through the hump of Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), they are monitoring the inflammation in her lungs, and working to keep her comfortable while her body heals. today is her tenth day being intubated, and they've scheduled a tentative tracheotomy for Wednesday in the (probable) event that she is unable to wean off of the ventilator before then. it will ease the transition off the ventilator and make it so that she doesn't have to have all of those tubes down her throat~ her face will be free from tubes and such, which would be a big step towards comfort. thanks for all of the continued love and support~