there is immense comfort in the small
in the taking of things one-at-a-time and

in the slowness of ritual

the simple act of noticing individual sounds
when so much else seems like an
endlessly reverberating clatter of
cutlery on a tile floor
has alone brought me so much peace

the joy of the first dandelion,
the way it's soft golden petals are so striking
against the deeper purples of her clothes
of her just-can't-take-it-off dress

and I get that, too
the lure of the comfortable things
the want to not let them too far out of reach
if that dress makes some part of you feel whole and happy, baby girl
well then you keep on wearing it
every. single. day.

just like your mama keeps on
drinking her tea and
breathing deep and
listening to the voicemail from her own mama and
staring at that same picture of her own mama and
remembering to notice
that birdsong
that blue sky
those daffodils
and on and on and on

*went to see mom this weekend~ still not very much change, still working on finding the right balance of meds so that she is pain free (still has chest tube in place following biopsy, should be removed in next day or so) but not sedated. MRI today to confirm her general unresponsiveness is pharmacological and not physiological, results to come. quite sure it is just from the cumulative stacking effect of all of the benzodiazepine sedatives she received for a couple days in a row following biopsy, which were needed to keep her calm so that her stats remained stable. she is now able to maintain a steady blood pressure on her own, so that opens up the door for new meds that her body couldn't handle before. biopsy largely inconclusive, and they aren't sure what the underlaying cause was that lead to initial pneumonia (speculate possible bad case of H1N1 type flu), but she is now basically working through the hump of Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), they are monitoring the inflammation in her lungs, and working to keep her comfortable while her body heals. today is her tenth day being intubated, and they've scheduled a tentative tracheotomy for Wednesday in the (probable) event that she is unable to wean off of the ventilator before then. it will ease the transition off the ventilator and make it so that she doesn't have to have all of those tubes down her throat~ her face will be free from tubes and such, which would be a big step towards comfort. thanks for all of the continued love and support~


  1. oh my, you bring tears today with your beautiful writing.
    what a gift you are.

    1. that felt like a big hug from you, Cory~

  2. Blessings and strength to your mama. Health like dandelions rising from the winter earth... :) Much peace to you and your family.

    1. thank you, Sandra~ she is a strong woman and I've got faith in her ability to get through this. the visual imagery of a renewal/rising of health is very helpful, too. I often imagine strength from my lungs passing through to hers when I'm at her bedside. always a place for good, strong, healing energy.

  3. You beautiful soul you, thank you for the update. I've been thinking of you and your family and will continue always to pray and send healing thoughts your way.

    1. many thanks, Tracey~ your encouragement continues to make me smile and feel very grateful for this sometimes wacky but most often lovely and cradling virtual community.

  4. Still holding you and your family in my thoughts.

    Beautiful piece.

    1. thank you, Kim.

      nothing like raw emotions to stir things up and get words spilling out along with the tears. the lessened desire of editing and looking things over may factor in a bit, too~ it just is what it is.

  5. Still praying for your mom and you, sounds like there is improvement and she is receiving the best care possible. I believe your mother is a fighter-may the new meds give her the added strength to win this battle.

    Breathe deeply and hang in there!!

    Loved the first photo :)

    1. thank you, Karen~ I received your thoughtful email as well :)
      I love this girl, and that photo seems to embody her so well these days....

  6. That was lovely. Thinking of you all.

  7. still praying for you and your mama, i know this can't be easy.

    1. thanks, Amanda- not easy at all, but now we've had an incredible turnaround so it is looking up!

  8. Thinking of you Amanda, and your mom. Your words beautiful, and the photos as well. Yes, those special dresses *must* be worn daily! I know...

    1. thanks so much, Marcela. she is still wearing it every day. it needs some major repair work ;)

  9. amanda, you and your mother were in my thoughts often while we were away, and you are in my thoughts now. i hope this dark cloud settling over your family clears soon. winter is at an end... and those dark clouds are going with it.

    1. that is very sweet, Jenny~ thank you. I appreciate your kind words and that we were in your thoughts. xo


thanks for taking the time to read and comment~