it turns out...

papa has been away for a few days, with a couple more to come.  we've gotten used to his schedule of being gone for 24 hour shifts ten or so times a month, and don't typically change things up on those days, but I've been putting her down in our bed these past few nights.  I am under no illusion that I'm doing this for her.  nope, it's for me.  she'll sleep in her room, usually wake once and call for me, or come into our room and climb into bed with us.  but it turns out that I sleep better, that we both do, when we're together.  close enough to hear her breath, maybe have our toes touching.  far enough to have some room to stretch out myself.

it's a funny thing, sleep.  especially, I think, as the parent of an infant or toddler.  you work to figure it out, to get things to where you want them to be, to where someone out there thinks they 'should' be.....  you struggle, you get cranky and sleep-deprived, they get cranky and sleep-deprived.  sleep, or the lack of it, runs your days for a while.  and most certainly your nights.  you tell yourself if it doesn't get better within x,y, or z amount of time something drastic is going to have to happen.  changes will be made,  dammit.  and then x, y, or z approaches and you're like 'eh, we're getting by, it'll be alright'.  and so it goes.  you're leaning over a co-sleeper in strange yoga-like positions nursing your baby and trying sooo hard to sneak away without waking her, or you're taking her for a walk at 2am because that's what gets her to sleep, or you're bouncing on a yoga ball listening to bob marley while shushing and patting and everything in between....  maybe a little later you're sharing a twin mattress on the floor with her night after night, since it's easier to just stay there than go back and forth a zillion and eight times and who has the energy for that anyway?  you think to yourself that your child is the only one to ever, ever have such poor sleep habits, but then you talk to other mamas and realize that most little ones are like this.  most little ones want to be held and shushed and reassured and soothed.  and that that's okay.  it's more than okay, really.  it's who we are.

and then there you are, 3+ years in and finally feeling like things have hit a turning point and you're getting normal-person amounts of sleep again.  and what do you do?  you realize maybe nothing was ever broken to begin with.  just challenging, so challenging, to navigate gracefully at times.  or at least that's what you tell yourself as you bring your girl in bed with you since you both sleep better that way.  after all.  after all of that.  and you think that's just fine.