not my greatest moment...

So, after all that talk yesterday about how I'm so smitten with my little lady, I went and shouted at her.

While she was laughing. (cringe)

First, she wouldn't nap.  Believe me, she needed the nap.  I needed the nap.  She's working on her top two canines and I think that's what some of the grumpiness has been about the last day or two.  Then I changed her and when I tried to put a new diaper on she kept squirming away and laughing.  Because it tickled, I guess, when I touched her legs.

Hard to put a diaper on a squirmy babe without touching her legs though, right?  So anyway.  It was amusing.  Maybe just a little.  For the first 5 minutes or so.  But it was nearing time for us to leave and I was not feeling amused.  I put her down, diaper-less, pointed towards the other room and firmly said "go".  I was over it.

So she went.  She ran, half naked, to the couch.  Where she buried her face in the cushion and sobbed.

Of course that made me feel pretty terrible, but mostly I just wanted to get that diaper on and get on with what we needed to do.  After a few minutes, I tried again.  Now, I've dealt with her general squirminess during diapering for quite a long time now, but this was something else.  I shouted at her to Stop! It!  She was not phased.  I shouted Claire! Annelise! Let! Me! Put! Your! Diaper! On!, etc.  Nothing.  I knew it was ridiculous to yell, but I was just in that place.  You know, that place where you see yourself saying/doing something ridiculous and inside your head you are telling yourself to just calm down and get over it.  But it's no use.  Because sometimes it just feels good to let it out a little.

Ugh.

I put her down again.  She peed on the floor and I almost slipped in it.  At least I'm decent enough not to yell at her for peeing on the floor.  She is only 21 months old, after all.  She's not quite got the hang of the potty.

But still.  That was what I was trying to avoid.  I told her to go to her potty and she ran to it, crying.  Finally she let me get the diaper on her, though I still felt like I was wrestling a fish.

Afterwards, on our way to work, I felt pretty crappy.  I know that there are things far worse than occasionally raising your voice at your children.  Certainly it isn't the ideal reaction to a laughing mischievous little one during a rowdy diaper change, but no one is perfect and it happens from time to time.  It's just not something I do much and it all felt so wrong.  To both of us, I'm sure.

Later on, after we were back home, I asked Claire "did Mama yell earlier?".  She said "ye-eahhhhh" with a little roll of her eyes and smirk (that stinker).  I asked where and she pointed right into my room, where we had been.  I asked "what did mama say?" and she said "ah! ah! aye! aiieeee-ah!", laughing.

Well, at least it was amusing for her.  Meanwhile, here I am typing out something like a confessional because I'm still feeling less than wonderful about my temper tantrum.

Putting on my grown up pants now.  No more tantrums for mama.  Hopefully not for a while, anyway.  I shall remember to breathe.  laugh.  let go.  and give in.  It's so very much nicer that way.

And today?  Well, today she is full of kisses and smiles for me and I am returning them with perhaps over-the-top enthusiasm.  Though really, I suppose you can't ever be over-the-top when it comes to laying the love on the little ones, now can you?