reflections on mothering :: holding onto your self

Often I find myself thinking about how very much my life has changed since the day we met Claire, and about how I feel about all of those changes.  It's a funny thing, motherhood.  It changes you, and it doesn't.  It consumes you, but only parts of you.  


So many people say a baby changes everything, but I don't think it has to.... I am still me, I still enjoy the things I used to, even if I don't get to do them as often anymore, and I am confident that they will survive a several year hiatus if need be. And if not? Well, then I guess they'll be replaced by better things.  


Sometimes it's so easy to be in the moment and cherish it all.  Other times perhaps you'd rather not cherish the moment, but instead get through it as fast as possible and reach that light at the end of the tunnel.  I remember people telling me, as they do, when Claire was a newborn, that "it goes by so fast".  I honestly didn't feel bad about thinking "I am counting on it! On this part going by fast."  This part being the no-sleeping-no-time-to-eat-nursing-around-the-clock-then-pumping-then-start-all-over part.  In retrospect it did go by quickly.  I'm already finding myself looking back at those first challenging months with a bit of nonchalance and thinking "oh, it wasn't so hard, and it did go by pretty fast.." even though while I was in it it seemed like forever.  And even though sometimes when I think back I recall the challenges and they stand out so vividly:  difficulty with nursing, no sleep, surgery at a wee 3 months..... I read back in my journal and am flooded with memories of all of the beautiful moments that carried us through, and so very grateful that I recorded those earlier times in such detail.  I suppose it's part of motherhood that we forget (in part) many of the hard parts (of each step; labor, birth, parenting) as our children get older, and maybe that's why we feed each other the somewhat trite lines about motherhood like "it's the most challenging but most rewarding thing you'll ever do" and such.  Sure that's true, but the early newborn days are harder than people let on.  I think because as women we don't want to discourage or scare others or sound like bad moms, or let our weaknesses show... and of course some babies (or so I'm told) are pleased to sit and smile and coo all day and sleep all night from the get go but in general I'd say it's a good approach to be prepared for it to be a real challenge in the beginning, knowing that you will get through it (most likely quite beautifully and brilliantly) and be pleasantly surprised if it turns out easier than you think.

I remember thinking it was silly that people often put their lives on hold when they have a baby, and kinda looking down on it.  Like they should still travel and backpack around the world and go to shows and do everything.... I imagined myself doing whatever I wanted, just with a baby in tow.  I think in reality it works out that way for very few people, and that that is okay.  We COULD have done more traveling and going out when she was just a wee babe,  we CHOSE not to very much because this is where we were, and it's easier to enjoy all of this when you're more focused on it.  That said, I do intend to travel with her a bunch, and I will bring her to shows and conferences, etc.... it's all a matter of being honest with yourself about where you are, what you choose, and what matters the most to you at the moment.  It's easy to be the parent you think you'll be, in your mind, before actually becoming one.  The hard part is cutting yourself some slack once you get there and accepting that it's alright for your expectations and preferences to change.  That that isn't letting yourself down or selling yourself out after all, but instead it's the perfect way to evolve and grow into acceptance and into your new role.  A role that just kind of takes you where it wants to and hopefully, it's to a place you're happy to find yourself and that yourself is still very much YOUR SELF.  


I found myself cozied up in our hammock chair with my girl this weekend, enjoying the breeze and watching the birds in the trees from our front porch.  And as lovely of a time as it was, I did find myself thinking about how much I miss spending time cozied up there ALONE.  Perhaps with a book and some tea.  Or maybe just really and truly alone with nothing to pass the time and no care in the world....  without being "on call",  putting about 50% of my energy into whatever is in front of me while the other 50% (or so) is fluttering around "waiting" and most certainly not truly relaxing.


But then I stop to remind myself that it's all just a part of these early years, and that I absolutely will have more of that time for just myself again, and that this is what I chose, what we chose, and that it really is beautiful in all of it's parts because it is the groundwork of our story together.

cheers~