around here

Friday night pizza on the deck to celebrate it's (near) completion (my idea)
only it was still covered in sawdust and tools, and so
the inaugural meal turned into a bit of a griping session
okay, I admit it.... maybe I jumped the gun a little
so we ended up on the (newly clean and swept free of oak pollen) front porch
"ready, set, go!" races back and forth, back and forth
a new beer from a favorite local brewery

Saturday morning lead us, as always, to the market
friends, music, pastries, coffee
et cetera

after a trip to target
(always somewhat daunting to me because of that place's ability to suck me in,
make me ooh and ahh over (and spend money on) things I don't need)
in the parking lot,
after she was buckled in,
I realized I really needed to pee
so, right there next to the car, behind the bushes, adjacent to the woods...
I went.
afterwards, I wondered how many people would have been appalled by that
that to me, going behind the bushes in the target parking lot
(when there was a public restroom available perhaps 100 yards away)
was by far the easier and more preferred option for me
no question about it,
I've always been the "pee in the bushes" type
(just thought you should know)

wine and cheese porch party at my neighbor's place that evening
kids played in the yard (yes, I just included her in the "kids" category, yikes)
adults on the porch
talking, swinging, drinking, eating
I felt like such a grown up

we enjoyed many days of sunshine after all that rain
(and so did the tomatoes and strawberries and bees)
added the first super on one of the hives
they are looking good in there

and now the deck is done
yard and garden work is to the point of
"let's sit back and relax"
instead of
"how long before we get to the point where we can just sit back and relax?"

Sunday afternoon with friends
our girls in the pool
grown ups talking and laughing, papas and mamas
and discovering that melted truffles go ever so well with popcorn
a dangerous discovery
another baby to join the gang soon, so soon
any day, really

home for dinner
my favorite
scallops fresh from the Outer Banks
served over pasta,
and garlic and spinach from our garden
mmmmmmmm

Nana and Pipop arrived Monday morning after a long, late drive
they brought some treasures

a canoe they've had for decades
trips remembered by them, with the boat filled with their kids
trips remembered by Mike and I,  two spring break paddling trips in the everglades
not so long after we'd met
wow, was that really over a decade ago?

a dollhouse for Claire
built for one of her cousins by neighbors of her late maternal great grandparents
it is perfect, and she loves it so

slow, easy days filled with cooking, laughing, and catching up

Nana and Claire are returning from a long stroll to and around town
a stroll that gave this mama time to hang around,
paint my toenails (something I'm not really so sure about, and haven't done in years)
write this post,
and listen to the Otis Redding pandora station nice and loud.

cheers~

watching & listening

not much to say these last few days.
lots to do, though.
planting, weeding, staking, mulching, tending....
loving, hugging, squeezing, dancing, listening....
watching the rain, rain, rain.
hearing it swoosh swoosh as it fills the barrels.
listening to the birds,
and watching fledglings follow closely behind mamas
as they stab haphazardly at the ground,
trying to figure out how to catch their own meal.

becoming ever more aware of how listening to a toddler can clue you in to
what you say yourself on a regular basis...
I ask "where'd she get that?",
but of course I already know the answer.

she sighs in delight,
nearly vibrates with anticipation when waiting to be tickled or caught or scared,
squeals when she stretches,
"mmmm's" when she eats something yummy....
looks at her papa and I ever so seriously as she tells us "I love you show mush"
again and again.

and I smile (and sigh in delight) as I see myself in her in those moments.
and I can see, I think, in glimpses here and there,
a bit of who she is becoming as well.

yes and no

yes, please!

finally cashing in a massage gift certificate
ahhhhhhhhhhhh

decking delivered

much decking put in place within hours of delivery

(he is a hard, hard worker, that man)

time spent planting, mulching..... soothing to have my hands in the ground, as always

sweet dinnertime conversations between the little one and her papa

the way she grabs my face so she's sure I'm looking at her and says "I love you show mush"

(and the way I feel almost like I have to catch my breath afterwards, every time, because it just feels so good and because it fills my whole body with a giant whooshing smile)

dinner with friends

(cake after dinner)

no thanks~

feeling like we are rushing past each other a lot these days and not stopping to connect

(the grown ups of the house, that is)

it can be hard, marriage and all

wondering when it was that I buried myself under these piles... of laundry, dishes, papers
piles of everything, everywhere

realizing that more likely than not, the doors to the deck will have to remain as they are (as windows, that is) until next year....  there is only so much time and energy and resources to spread around, you know?



linking up with Monica at ink + chai for keeping it real

letters for her

In a box at the top of her closet there is a stack of letters.
A small stack, for now.
I write to her each year on Mother's Day and on her birthday.

I write to her about seemingly insignificant things and about clearly significant things,
I write to tell her what it means to me to be her mother and her guide,
about the way she amazes me and about the ways she challenges me...
I tell her how it makes me feel to sit back and watch her,
how it makes me feel to hear her sing and tell her silly little stories...
and about how I am learning as I go.

This isn't a baby book, this series of letters.
I have one of those, one that I love.
This is something different.
This is our story.
One of me learning to be a mother, with her as my guide.
I try to keep it honest and to write from the heart.
I aim not to sugar-coat and I avoid writing something if any part of me says "this is what you should write to your daughter".
Because this is not about 'shoulds'.
It's about what is.


My plan is to give her all of the letters sometime in the future.
I'm not really sure when.
Maybe when she's 16.  18?
I guess I'll know when it's the right time.
I hope they will be something for her to treasure,
something that will help her know me in a new way and will always remind her that
we are in this thing together.
Absolutely, unconditionally, together.

Five letters then, so far.

And hopefully many, many dozens to come~

fried eggs and macaroons

took a trip to a local bakery/coffee shop this morning to drop off some more cards
we usually get a big fat ginger molasses cookie to share, but apparently she had chocolate on the brain
after I said no to the chocolate cake (it was only 10am, and she is only 2....)
she quickly set her sight on a chocolate dipped macaroon
no way was I going to deny her that
I mean come on, that's one of my favorites, too

I shared it with her, along with an iced coffee (not shared with her)
mmmmm mmmm good

it's been rainy for several days
little breaks in the weather here and there
still, we're indoors a lot

last night, inspired by Mike, I topped a turkey burger with a fried egg
oh, yum
it made me wonder what else I should be topping with fried eggs
tonight, rice and beans mixed with sauteed zucchini and greens from the garden
served over sprouts
topped with a fried egg with melty garlic yogurt cheese on top
a healthy dollop of hot sauce
and a little ketchup, because it's so yummy

I think this may be the start of something......

easy, lazy, rainy

lazy Saturday morning with Claire started with
flowers on the front step,
a very sweet early morning surprise from my mama...
we went to the tailgate market
and sat around for a couple hours
listening to music,
chatting with friends...

I was reminded of why I do so love this town

we ate apricot croissants and rye cookies
bought goat milk soap and baby bok choy
after the market broke down I stood in the parking lot with a friend
and we watched (for over an hour) our girls play and laugh together...
they put on quite a show, those two
there is so much joy in standing back and soaking it in

in the afternoon I mulched the paths between our raised beds and
I'm loving the cohesiveness it brings to the garden

a little visiting with neighbors and while we were there the mama of the house
(that house, not this house) was gifted with a very handsome angora bunny
(seems papa is quite spot-on with the mother's day gifting)
back to our place for dinner and music
and strawberry jam making
but not with our berries, nope
we eat them up way too fast for that, the bowlful or so we gather daily
who am I kidding, there's not even usually time to get a bowl
loved hearing the pop-pop-pop of the lids as they sealed
opened one up just hours after making
(quality control and all)
had to make sure it went well with toasted, buttery sourdough

it did

mother's day brought wildflowers picked in the misty morning from my love
vetch, penstemon, lupine, some kinda little evergreeny something or other......
a bouquet so totally different from the other, and so, so perfect
toast and jam for breakfast (of course)
and then a drive to this wonderful nursery
herbs, flowers (hanging planter, purple flowers~ an easy decision) for my mama, and for home:
stoke's aster, lavender, basil, foamflower (can't get enough of the lovely tiarella), swamp milkweed, butterfly milkweed, black eyed susan, echinacea (white and pink), and a flat of creeping phlox for the mossy front yard that we hope to continue turning into not-grass more and more....

we met my mama out at her new place
a home recently purchased with her husband
six acres, that Mike explored as we girls hung out and painted a little
Claire got to put her handprints on the newly painted wall
(I was not asked to put mine on the wall, but I am okay with that)

he found some interesting stuff on those mostly wooded six acres:
two old boats,
an old metal chevrolet sign nailed to a tree,
an old tool embedded in a log,
a trough with some plants growing in it....
plants that were obviously being tended....
(ones that are of a variety that is not exactly, um, legal)
not my mother's

my recommendation was to leave a note on the trough for the plant-tender to find
something maybe a little.......
indiscernible, in terms of the level of approval by the note-writer
could be good for a laugh
certainly would shake things up a little bit for the mysterious 'gardener'

anyway, enough about that

I'm enjoying the greens and berries and eggs we are collecting in our yard daily
and there's so much more to come!  The bees are good, the raspberries are covered in flowers, and I've got mulching and planting to keep me busy for the next few days, and upcoming visits to look forward to~ good stuff.


a happy week to all~



*linking up with Amanda for weekending

foolish

So.

So there are these robins.  They have a nest on the back side of our garage/workshop, right on top of some of our gardening tools that we haven't used since before they built the nest last spring.....

Last year mama laid 4 eggs.

4 chicks.

This year, 3 eggs.  mama robin and I got close.  I puttered around doing gardening stuff, she figured out that I'm safe and stayed put on those pretty little blue eggs.  It was going swimmingly.  I sang to her, told her not to worry.  etc.

3 chicks.

Today I picked Claire up to take a peek, as we've been doing..... not too close.  just peekably-close.

well.

They're old enough now, it seems, to fly off that little inconveniently-placed nest.  And that's just what they did.  2 of them anyway.  Never saw #3.

It gets worse.

Wolfie (that's our dog, if you didn't know) ran over to "get" one.  ahem.  I'm not sure what he intended to do, but he dropped it immediately when he heard the tone of my voice.  the somewhat primal, I-mean-it-you-damn-well-better-do-exactly-as-I-say kind of tone.

little birdy had a bloody shoulder.

Now I know, I know all the talk of not touching baby birds, of leaving nature be, etc.  That's what I studied in college, more or less.  animals, nature, ecology, etc.

But it was a little late to not be messing with mama nature seeing as how it was me who startled those cuties right off their safe little nest in the first place, ya know? So I picked up the birdy, dabbed it's shoulder clean with a cloth, and put it back in the nest.  back out.  back in.

well, damn.

So I blocked off the area so the nosy pup couldn't get back there (which isn't to say it was at all cat proof, of course....), tried one last time to put the baby up out of harm's way, looked around for the others, and then let them be.

Claire could tell I was upset.  Not that it was hard to tell, really, but she just knows when anything is a little off.  She reads my tone, my eyes.... she knows.  She asked me if I was sad and then showered me with kisses, asking after each one if I was still sad.  I was, but there's no denying those 2 year old kisses were strong medicine.

I took myself away from the scene for a while, best for everyone.  Hours later, I noticed mama and papa robin in a new area.  Closer to the ground.  On a brush pile in the neighbor's yard.

I do so hope that they were able to coax those little babes out of harm's way into the safety of that brush pile, and that those little ones are nearly ready to truly fledge.  That the bloody little shoulder heals quickly.

I know that all sounds a bit naive, but it's what I'm going with for now.
Feeling meddlesome, sad, and foolish.
Thinking of all the time and energy those dedicated robins put into that nest, those eggs, those babes.....
Hoping, hoping, hoping that they are safe and sound.

And thinking that after all is said and done and it sits empty for good for the year, I'm moving that nest.

how to break in a new fire pit

Yep, about like that.

This glorious blaze lasted just under two minutes, start to finish.  Quite a show.

weekending

I recently learned how to make a proper clover crown and this weekend I wound one together for my girl as we all hung out in the yard talking, snacking, and checking on plants and bees and chickens...

The debut tailgate market was rained out 30 minutes in, and me without a canopy.  Last year I was a regular, this year I intend to go (as a vendor) only once or twice a month.  We'll be there weekly as customers, though.  I spent quite a bit of time Friday night after she was asleep putting together new photo cards and art collage cards (pictured above in the very beginning stage), sewing felt play food and getting things together.  I was a bit disappointed about the rain.  Except, of course, that I was excited about it for the garden.  At least I learned to check the forecast before going and setting up.  Especially if it's a week I've decided that I don't 'want to mess with' a canopy.  I stashed the cards and other fragile stuff under the table and dashed for cover to the nearest tent.  After the rain let up a bit I packed up my soggy stuff, sold a couple of plant starts to a fellow who was probably feeling sorry for me in my drenched and sopping state, and then did my shopping.

I brought home a few treats.  Some very delicious wood-fired wheat/sesame/sourdough, a container of coconut chevre (which, upon seeing, Claire correctly yelled out "goat cheese, yum!" - she remembers the important things....), another cheese from the same creamery (which she also liked, as evidenced by the large bites that she took out of it before I took the wrapper off... see those bites up there?  that's all her.  wondering how well plastic wrap breaks down in a toddler's system.....), and a stick of sweet sopressata from one of our favorite sources for local meat.

We hung around inside and watched the remaining rain fall.  I went out to the garden and grabbed a bowl of berries for a tasty snack for us to share, and then we went about the rest of the day doing mostly a lot of nothing.

On Sunday I spent nearly the entire day with my coworker/boss at our town library setting up the art show for the after school art program I work for.  Much stapling and ladder-climbing, arranging and push-pinning, a little bit of dehydration, some swearing, quite a lot of wondering how things were going back at home for Mike and Claire, and a delicious lunch in between.  The show opens this Tuesday and will run for the remainder of May.  It is nearly ready.  I have a few odds and ends to tend to in the morning and then I will sigh a deep sigh of satisfaction and relief, and sit back and watch.

I came home to my loves and we ate outside, christened the new fire pit (which I dug and lined with rocks yesterday) with our very ready-to-be-burned Christmas tree, finished up the planting of native perennials in one of the front beds, and called it a day.


wishing a sweet week ahead to all~



*linking up with amanda at the habit of being

keep on the sunny side

dark and a troubled side

~ more often than not, I couldn't seem to find my patience this week..... not for her, not for him (or the cat, the dog, the things I tried to open and couldn't, or the things I tried to pick up but dropped, for that matter).  animate and inanimate things alike heard some less than gentle words from me this week...

~ which always makes me wonder when it was that I started operating closer to frazzled than relaxed

~ feeling scattered by the deadlines being brought on by this weekend... good stuff, but lots of it

bright and a sunny side

~ tonight we (the three of us that make up our little family) went to a new place in town for dinner.  We enjoyed it, we lingered, we played at the playground across the street afterwards.... it was sweet.  

~ he and I looked out for each other's time and energy and sanity a bit today... something we aren't always great about these days, but are trying to be...

~ the bees are seriously looking good. (whew!) bee post from the man of the house coming soon

~the fig trees have new leaves, hardly any sign left of that crazy freeze... maybe we'll get a couple figs this year after all

~the wonderful and fabulous and lots-of-other-positive-adjectives Black Mountain Tailgate Market starts tomorrow! 

(and with that, I'm off to go finish getting things ready)

linking up with Monica at Ink + Chai for 'keeping it real'

compost happens

This is a busy little corner of our yard.  Hens cluck proudly after they lay, the compost pile occasionally gets turned, we chat with our backyard neighbor as she smokes high above us on her deck.... last Sunday, while Claire napped and Mike sat down for a few minutes to eat some lunch and relax after our morning of yard and garden work, I headed out to sift the compost.


Because it is truly one of the most meditative and calming things I know.

It starts out (as compost typically does) as a mix of our kitchen scraps, yard waste, and chicken poo and looks something like this:

and then we stop adding to that pile and turn it more often and after some time (weeks? a couple months?)  and lots of rain and sun and worms and billions of little microbes, it looks like this:

and then we shovel it onto the handy compost screen that Mike made and smush it all around to sift out the sticks and acorns and not-really-quick-to-compost compostable forks and what-have-you

and we are left with this:

which we use in our raised beds and as part of our soil mix (equal parts compost, vermiculite and rehydrated coconut coir) that we make up to start all sorts of green and growing goodness.

Ah, compost.  What lessons there are to be learned from you~

I love this poem from prairepoetry.org:

	Compost
	When I've left my husk and you've had your weep, Toss me out on the compost heap. Mix me in with the leaves and such And sprinkle some water -- it won't take much. Stir well with a fork, or whatever you've got, Do what it takes to help me rot. And when I've become a rich, dark soil Plow me in, and I'll start my toil Of nourishing worms, and likewise roots And pushing up some tender shoots Of grass, and veggies, and bushes and trees Perches for birds, and banquets for bees. I'll make plants fruit! I'll grow food for critters! I'll raise up some corn, and you can make fritters! It'll be lots of fun -- I can just hardly wait! To nurture new life will really be great. And I'll laugh at you some, if I get on your shirt And you get annoyed and start calling me "dirt." When dogs track me in Winter, my name will be Mud But when Spring comes around, I'll be in each bud. Hug a tree in the Summer, and pat on its bark, Rest yourself in its shade -- say, "You're looking good, Mark!" If you miss me in Autumn, well heck -- look around I'll be in the leaves, the river, the ground. Sprinkle me some where the wildflowers grow, and I'll be in the trilliums, pushing up through the snow And I'll be in the worms when the young robins feed And provide a soft cradle for each dying plant's seed. When a fish eats a worm (if the robins are sharin') There's a good chance I'll fly in the wings of a heron. Whatever you do, don't build me a tomb -- I haven't been bad! Don't lock me in a room! I want to be free -- instead of riding my bike, I'll Go out and pedal on Life's great cycle And I'll get around, all over this Earth, Following the path of life, death and rebirth.
	L. Mark Finch

wonder : hope

I wonder what she'll be like when she gets older,
wonder how she'll wear her hair,
what music she'll prefer listening to,
if her love of gardening and insects and rocks and such will stick...
I wonder what sort of things will bring her comfort,
which places will become her favorites,
how she'll take her coffee or tea.
will she be a morning person or a night owl?
what kind of person will she fall in love with?
will I be a grandmother?
what will she collect?



I hope she grows up feeling loved beyond words,
accepted exactly as she is,
comfortable in her own skin...
I hope she will know she can always come to me and not worry
that I'll judge her or be angry if the words she speaks are ones I don't necessarily want to hear
(I hope I can stand by that, and not become angry or judgmental when the time comes).
I hope she finds more reasons to trust than not,
experiences ever so many more joys than sorrows,
explores the world around her with the same enthusiasm and fresh eyes that now take everything in with such innocent wonder, amazement, and appreciation.
I hope she finds joy in sinking her toes into the sand and soil and feeling the warm pulse
of life in this great green world,
feels the way we are all connected,
looks for beauty in the ordinary and mystery in the commonplace.
I hope she needn't search for peace
because it is already within.



*linking up with heather at the extraordinary ordinary for just write